Oh man. Oh man oh man. I have been away for blogging for months (again). Yes, I'm never going to make anything of this blog if I don't actually post regularly. I know, I know. Trust me, I've given myself all the pep talks and kicks up the arse, but lets be honest, I haven't even finished the assignment that was due in two weeks ago. How I'm going to get through uni and get a good degree, I'm not entirely sure. But I digress.
Uni, if I'm honest, is the main reason why I haven't posted since September/October(?! How has it been that long?!), but the secondary reason is the little black cloud I seem to be permanently carrying around, that has flared up again recently and rendered me unable to live by myself, something I'm not entirely okay with because for so long I was looking forward to being able to live by myself, but you know what? Sometimes admitting that you can't do something, although it might be the hardest thing you've ever had to do and picking up that phone to tell someone feels impossible, it is okay.
And that's something I've been coming to terms with over the past few weeks. In the past I was notorious for 'suffering in silence', and bottling up every emotion I felt until I exploded, and things got way messier than they would have done had I just stuck up my hand and gone "you know what, right now I am not okay."
And whilst it means I am now fielding multiple calls from concerned parents, surviving on a cocktail of prescription drugs, and living with a friend (I'm so sorry it came to this), it's going to be okay. And it might not have been had I not told someone. Talking is the most important tool in recovering, and that's something I'm slowly learning. Depression, whilst it is a little bitch, is often not something that you can overcome alone, as much as you might want to and as much as you wish you didn't have to rely on other people. There are people who care about you, and who do want to help you learn how to deal with that little black cloud. Help you to put up the umbrella, if you will, and stop it from raining down all the negative thoughts and feelings that absolutely, totally suck.
And so, as part of this whole coming to terms with the fact that half of the time my brain hates me, I've decided to start blogging about it, as one kind of release. And along the way, maybe it will help just one person start talking, or stop trying to suppress their feelings and admit to themselves that they are not okay. It's the first, and most important step, and it's time to stop pretending mental illness is not something that doesn't matter, or should be swept under the carpet.
Love from Beth