I'm not even entirely sure why I'm writing this. I'll probably take it down in the morning when I wake up and everything is a little bit more rational. I don't know. What I do know is it's 3am, I can't sleep, and I haven't stopped crying for about an hour.
This doesn't happen to me anymore. It used to, I used to spend a good amount of my time crying instead of sleeping at night, and then napping throughout the day. For me, and I imagine for a lot of other people as well, the time they most struggle with bad thoughts and feelings is during the night. I guess it's because this is when I'm alone and know no one is going to interrupt me until morning. This is the time when it's just me, my thoughts and the dark, and that is a very bad combination indeed.
There is usually no trigger for these bad thoughts. Sometimes there's the accompanying anxiety, which makes things 10x better! Sarcasm, of course. The anxiety always means that the bad thoughts end up in a panic attack. There's none of that tonight, just a certain bleakness about the future and an urge not to carry on. This urge is dangerous and it comes and it goes and I just don't know how to get rid of my black cloud. I wish it would go more than anything. And it did! For quite a few months now I've been coping, I've been excited for the future, I've been looking after myself properly but recently, this has all gone down the pan.
During the day I am still okay, I haven't quite resorted to not getting out of bed for days on end yet, but it's close. Right now it's just the 2am downhill spiral, the 3am crying sessions, and then 4am hits and I try to sleep before I do anything stupid. I'm great at doing stupid things.
But it's going to be okay, I think. I'm a different person to the one I used to be, I have better coping mechanisms. For now, I just need to sleep, take one day at a time, and allow myself breathing space. It'll all be alright in the end. I know it will.